Pumpkin Patch

Another wonderful poem

I'm pretty numb, but finding comfort in the words of others. This poem by Sonia Gernes is lovely.

Golden

by Sonia Gernes

for my parent's fiftieth anniversary

In the old photographs, it is always autumn.

Colors fade to the sepia of remembered thought:

my mother in a flapper dress, my father

proud beside the Model A. They glow

in the light of dreams that I can never know.

What did they think of that autumn

they climbed into the photograph of bride & groom?

That love would conquer?—the Depression yield

more than its tart and scanty fruit?

In a season of scarceness, the bitter root

of her father's death fresh within the house,

they strode from the church believing

in sunlight—the prairie ringing for them,

the October trees all aflame with praise.

Good farmers, they knew how to raise

the future, a steady hand on each day's plow,

patience in the fallow fields, a table

big enough for all who'd need it, hope

in the seedlings, beauty's grace, a faith

that is the opposite of winter's death.

This autumn, I would take the color

of that triumph, the bright praise of trees.

the harvest secure in the heart's high bins;

I would make of them a portrait fit to hold

through time: these trees, these lives, this gold.

Anniversary

Today is our 7th wedding anniversary.

A fabulous poem I didn't write

Amor Fati
by Katha Pollitt

Everywhere I look I see my fate.
In the subway. In a stone.
On the curb where people wait for the bus in the rain.
In a cloud. In a glass of wine.

When I go for a walk in the park it's a sycamore leaf.
At the office, a dull pencil.
In the window of Woolworth's my fate looks back at me
through the shrewd eyes of a dusty parakeet.

Scrap of newspaper, dime in a handful of change,
down what busy street do you hurry this morning,
an overcoat among overcoats,

with a train to catch, a datebook full of appointments?
If I called you by my name would you turn around
or vanish round the corner,
leaving a faint odor of orange-flower water,
tobacco, twilight, snow?

"Amor Fati" by Katha Pollitt from The Mind-Body Problem. © Random House, 2009.

Back to basics

It's been two weeks.

I'm physically exhausted and my night-owl existence has taken a major blow. Those hours of writing, reading, cleaning til the wee hours of the morning are no more. I hit the sheets around 9 or 10 these days and awake with the Frog at the crack of dawn. We are adjusting --meds, treatments, preschool, cleaning, dogs, cats, pharmacies, parks, walks, laundry. FD has been consistently here --taking Froggy for the day, being a good Daddy.

Physical exhaustion is nothing compared to emotional exhaustion, and because of that fact, a great weight has been lifted. I've been trying for so long to push a square peg through a round hole and finally realized that I'm a crazy person for thinking I had the power to change the shape of things.

I'm a pretty low maintenance person. I need love, someone to hug me when the world is too much, do some dishes now and then, and be there in the present, facing life head-on. I've never needed fancy -- happy with a Motel 6 vacation, old jeans and a good hike. In some ways I've requested too little, set the bar so low, that now even the basics seem extravagant. And maybe in a 'normal' situation, that would have been good enough. Maybe I could have trudged through life without needing reciprocal support. But this life is too much for me. As wonderful as my friends are, I need a partner.

This separation is a good thing. It is either the beginning of a new life, or the ending of an old one. At this point I have no idea. For now we are in a content limbo where Froggy is loved and anything is possible. I have hope, not in the belief that things will magically resolve themselves, but with hard work and devotion we can fight for our family. I wish I could write the ending, wish I had the power to predict the future. But I don't.

Tonight Froggy is spending the night with her Daddy at her Aunt's house and it's tough facing the quiet. I will go to sleep tonight for the first time without my Froggy. What a strange world this is.

Yom Kippur

Had a lovely dinner with Meeps and friends for Yom Kippur.

When Nothing Else Explains It

FD and I are separating.

My heart is broken. I wanted more for Froggy and myself. I have nothing else to say, except that my soul hurts. Rather than go into details, these are the songs that say it all. I'll leave it to Janis and Nina, Adele and Joni to tell you how I feel.


Little Girl Blue - Janis Joplin

A Letter to Elise - The Cure

Pale Blue Eyes - Velvet Underground

If You Knew - Nina Simone

Make You Feel My Love - Adele

Close Your Eyes - James Taylor and Carly Simon

Threw It Away - Bob Dylan

Bell bottom Blues - Eric Clapton

Who'll Stop the Rain - CCR

All I Want - Joni Mitchell

River - Joni Mitchell

Sugar in my Bowl - Bessie Smith

Do What You Gotta Do - Nina Simone

I Made a Lovers Prayer - Gillian Welch

Daughter - Loudan Wainwright III

Smart Frog

Froggy was holding a stuffed animal dog and had the pup scratch his ear with his hind legs. I said, "Wow, that's exactly how dogs scratch scratch an itch, with their hind legs."

Froggy asked what 'hind' meant. I replied, "it means 'back', like back legs." And she said, "Oh like be'hind'."

I love these little discoveries. Four is the new six.

A Froggy Party in the Trees

How many birthday parties can one Froggy have? Four for a four year old!

We had her big family/friends bash at our favorite hiking spot. It was a great day. Who says you need bouncy houses and ponies? Kids need trees, dirt and cupcakes.

I cannot wrap my brain around the fact that my BABY is 4!!! When did this happen?

First Day of Preschool

After a week of excited talk about preschool...Froggy sobbed the entire car ride to school. Before we left the house, I had to dress her three times because she kept taking off her clothes and hiding under a pillow in her bedroom.

The second we walked through the gate, she forgot all about her fear. She started playing and the teachers hurriedly got the kiddos involved in circle time, so they wouldn't concentrate on the parents leaving. I thought it might be harder than it was. But I love her new preschool and the woman who runs it. It's a cozy, happy, loving place and a perfect beginning to school.

When FD and I picked her up, she strolled out of the gate with a happy confidence I've never seen. After two hours of school, she grew a year. Wow, our tadpole is a big frog now.

Missing Iowa

Auntie Honka and Uncle Jiffy Pop

Froggy and Cousin E-boy

Great-Grammy

E-boy, Froggy and Cousin Drama Queen

Iowa was green, relaxing and we had a wonderful week surrounded by family. Froggy celebrated her 4th birthday a little early with a bicycle cake that Auntie Honka baked. We flew back on Sunday and fortunately the air was clear on our side of town.

FD's parents' house is safe, but a good friend of theirs' lost his home in the mountains.

I can't believe our baby is four!