So this is what it looks like.
We are here. This place, this strange purgatory. In a way it is like sitting next to a dying friend waiting for their last breath, wishing it would just be over, the nurses would come in the room, put a white sheet over the last ten years and say, "I'm sorry honey, it's gone." The finality is comforting like a sob, a deep sob in the shower with hot water running. It is over. And I've known for a long time, but held onto a hope this wasn't the last breath of us.
I'm sad for Froggy. I'm sad that I've failed her. I'm sad that she has not only been dealt CF, but divorce. It is unforgivable. I should have known better, to put my faith in what could be instead of what was. I will never make that mistake again.
As difficult as this transition is, I know the alternative was worse. We do not live in a vacuum and the mistakes we make as parents tear holes in our children. I couldn't repair the damage. I couldn't fix it. As a mom I feel like a failure in so many ways. I can't take away CF, I can't take away this divorce. It is life. It is our life. And the only thing I can do is cushion the blow, to let her know that no matter what, she's loved. And that is a sad second to a complete family. So Froggy, my dear, my angel, my love, I'm sorry.