Thursday, May 27, 2010

The end of a marriage

So this is what it looks like.

We are here. This place, this strange purgatory. In a way it is like sitting next to a dying friend waiting for their last breath, wishing it would just be over, the nurses would come in the room, put a white sheet over the last ten years and say, "I'm sorry honey, it's gone." The finality is comforting like a sob, a deep sob in the shower with hot water running. It is over. And I've known for a long time, but held onto a hope this wasn't the last breath of us.

I'm sad for Froggy. I'm sad that I've failed her. I'm sad that she has not only been dealt CF, but divorce. It is unforgivable. I should have known better, to put my faith in what could be instead of what was. I will never make that mistake again.

As difficult as this transition is, I know the alternative was worse. We do not live in a vacuum and the mistakes we make as parents tear holes in our children. I couldn't repair the damage. I couldn't fix it. As a mom I feel like a failure in so many ways. I can't take away CF, I can't take away this divorce. It is life. It is our life. And the only thing I can do is cushion the blow, to let her know that no matter what, she's loved. And that is a sad second to a complete family. So Froggy, my dear, my angel, my love, I'm sorry.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh Elise! I know you are hurting, but Addie will someday know that you always did your best. And you have.

We love you,

Jeni

DutchMac said...

I know this will be of little comfort, but I truly believe you are doing the right thing, and doing it the right way. Someday, you will ALL be able to reap the benefits of that.

Much love coming your way from across the pond.

xoxoxoxoxoox

Phoenix's Mom said...

I wish I had words of comfort, but please know you are an amazing mom. You do what is best for your little girl and you can see that in your posts. She's so lucky to have you.
They say god never gives us more than we can handle, well I question that at times. But a wise person once told me that he sees something amazing in the mommies that he gives these special children to. Things that we don't see in ourselves, but that he knows is there.
If you need anything I'm just a type away!
Hugs

Casey said...

Being in the (almost) same shoes in the divorce arena I know the intense, overwhelming and conflicting emotions you are dealing with. The fear for Froggy. What it all means. How it will all play out and end up looking.

I know it well. And I am so very, very sorry. You know I love you and you know I am here for whatever you need.

Big hugs, sweetie. Giant, enormous hugs.

PicklePits said...

"When one door closes, another opens...God doesn't give you more than you can handle...The next chapter will come, just keep turning the pages...One day at a time..." Blah, blah, blah.

These ridiculous bytes are clouding my brain, stuffed all the way down my gullet and brimming over. I know enough to shut up and keep it to myself, that they don't really help at all but they keep popping up like yesterday's bad lunch still riding along in the back of my throat.

I'm really sorry Elise. Really, really sorry. For what it's worth, I think very highly of you. I realize that this current situation completely and totally sucks and for that I'm so sorry.

You're a tough cookie. Tough enough to take all this crappiness and roll with it.

Hugs girl, big, fat, squishy hugs.
xo
k.

Liza said...

I'm so sorry. You and froggy are in my thoughts! Safe travels!

Ratatosk

Angela said...

I'm so sorry Elise - I'm thinking of you.

Danielle said...

Having been in Froggy's position, just later in life, I can confidently say that what you are doing is not a transgression that requires forgiveness. The unhappiness and tension would not have gone unnoticed by the li'l Frogger as she got older. And that's arguably, even more damaging.

You are doing what you need to do to allow you to be a healthier, happier mommy for her. And she'll understand... one day. In the mean time... BIG HUGS!

-Danielle

PicklePits said...

Not sure how to get a hold of you FAST since FB is blocked here...
but I wanted to touch base about Thursday. Can't do lunch but could swing dinner, if it works for you and Susie.

I'll post a FB reply when I'm home later this afternoon. Hopefully, this note will beat me to the punch.

Hang tough.
xo
k.

Azer's Mom said...

I'm so sorry to hear about you and FD.

Azer will probably be getting his G-tube tomorrow. Just wanted to say thanks for posting Froggy's experience and how you have felt about it. It's made our journey a little easier.

((hugs)) stay strong girl.

ferfischer said...

Thinking of you my friend.

iColossus / Monster said...

Hey girl! I know that you're hurting but I also have this really intense certainty that you are absolutely, positively doing the right thing.

Froggy needs to see her Mama happy and you've been unhappy for too long. You will rise! This is FAR from the end of the world...for you or for Froggy.

Mourn what you need to but don't clutch too tightly to what "could" have been. Step boldly into the new future that is possible now, now that the decision has been made. Now is the time to MAKE things happen for you and your life! I'm actually excited for you because I have just this intense feeling that the most wonderous gift is just waiting around the corner. It's gunna happen, call me crazy, but why the heck not? Is the future already written? Yes? No? Do you have a say?

How about some park time with the kidlettes this weekend?!!!! C'mon girl, let's do it!

HUGE, Colossal, Monsterous hugs to you from all of us.

- iColossus

Anonymous said...

hang in there...not easy...you are so strong. be well. jcn

Infidel Rooster said...

That sucks. But it doesn't require forgiveness. As a CF'er and a kid who's parents divorced (actually at about the same age as Froggy, 4 1/2) I know it from that perspective. I'm sure that does nothing to change what you're feeling right now, but I hope someday it helps.
Until then, keep on keeping on.

fleetfeet said...

Elise - I am so, so, sorry. I know you are hurting. It is much like a death...waiting for it to pass, grieving what was, what could have been. You have a new reality...not one you would have picked, but is there all the same. Froggy knows she is loved by both of her folks. That is what matters as you all forge ahead in this new reality. Much love and prayers to you.

Anonymous said...

Oh Elise, I am so sorry for your pain! You are grieving what should have been, not what was...

You are an incredible, strong, amazing woman, and you will get through this.

Froggy knows that you are doing everything possible for her, that your love for her is boundless. One day she will understand.

Big hugs coming to you from the Alps.

-monika