Where I go.

"You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger." -the Buddha.

This quote hit me like a ton of proverbial bricks. I have been angry. I am angry. And it doesn't matter if I have a 'right' or am justified in my anger. It is all encompassing, it consumes my thoughts, it paints grey on the canvas of my day. It is ugly.

When Froggy and I are alone, I feel like myself again. I'm happy and joyful, motivated by love. I am me, content, silly, and self-sufficient, a little tired... okay alot tired, but at the end of the day we read stories in bed and snuggle and there is absolutely no place I would rather be. It is bliss.

After she falls asleep (and I do dishes, sweep, take out the garbage, let out the dog, boil nebs), I light candles, listen to music, read and write. I actually like being alone, more than I thought I ever would. There are no dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor, tv/radio blaring, life is just ahhhh.

Normally, I am one to fill in the silences, to add words to the spaces, to cover the white with color. Silence and alone have always scared me, but now, now it is a blank page, a tale waiting to be written. And I am patient to put down the words. The story is unfolding, but quietly, in the pauses of life, the moment where we take a breath and imagine what will happen next.

This is where I need to be. I know people jump from divorce to dating, but I have no desire. I am in love with Froggy. My focus, my love, my heart is with her. And nothing could make me happier.

Anger is not healthy. But it is here. It is disappointment, frustration, sorrow, worry, sadness, loss, hurt and betrayal. My anger is 10 years of work, of showing up, of being there 100 percent and being met with apathy. It isn't fair. And I realize life isn't fair, but I'm not okay with it. I don't understand, because I always thought that if gave everything, and believed hard enough, life would work out. I thought we were in it together. But we weren't. One day I was under water and my oxygen tank failed, and I swam and scrambled and drowned but finally made it to the surface. And here I am. Angry that it didn't turn out the way I'd wanted, but alive, still floating in this beautiful sea of life, looking up towards the sun and waiting for the wind, to push me in the direction I am supposed to go.

Iowa State Fair 2010

Now THIS is a turkey leg. Cro-Magnon Froggymama!
This was taken at the new birthing center at the fair, where you can watch piglets, calves, goat kids and sheep gittin' borned!

The fattest hog! Over 1100 lbs.

The highlight was watching the chicks hatch. One chick after hatching, helped his friend out by cracking on his egg.

Every year they build a giant sandcastle. This year's theme "Star Boars." If you don't like kitch, you won't like the fair. I happen to LOVE this stuff!

We spent 2 hours in the bunny barn. Gee, ya think someone wants a rabbit?

She petted every single rabbit. There were only about a thousand.

True to Iowa fair weather, it was 100 and humid.

Froggy eating a wonderbar. She ate the entire thing and this kid never eats all her food. Maybe a diet of fair food will be the cure-all to her weight issues. Mmmm fair food.

She milked a cow on her first try!

A giant pumpkin and an even bigger twit!

Everything at the fair is giant! Even the slide.

Auntie Honka and the Frog.

The only thing we forgot to visit was the butter cow, which is just criminal. It's like going to Disneyland and forgetting to visit Mickey Mouse. I'll post a picture from their website, because I know how much you are all dying to see it!

Froggy and Cousin E-boy

Fishing in Iowa (August)

She caught a fish THIS BIG!

Froggyisms and Body Talk

Froggy: My friend at preschool has a car that's a Volcan-wagon.

While getting ready for bed the other night I was having a tough time with her g-tube. The adaptor wasn't fitting and it came apart and formula went everywhere. I put a towel down because I was too tired to change the sheets. An hour later I hear her calling and she is lying in bed in a pool of formula. After finding a new adaptor and taping the hell out of it, replacing the first towel with a second because now I was even more tired, Froggy says to me:

Froggy: I want a plain body.
FM: What do you mean a playing body?
Froggy: No a plaaaain body.
FM: What's a plain body?
Froggy: Without the mic-key. I just want a normal body. I want my normal body again.

I hugged her and told her I know and she fell asleep. Then I went into the livingroom and had a good cry.

I can't believe that at the age of five she is so aware of what 'normal' is. We were desperate to have her gain weight and so thrilled with her progress, I'd almost forgotten that she will have to live with this thing, this piece of plastic that pushes her shirt out and sets her apart. Her preschool friends love her and no one has said anything unkind. In fact her little friend A. jumped up and down and said, "I wanna see your mic-key!," when we got back from the hospital.

We made a decision for her body. We decided that she would have this hole in her belly. And even though I believe it was the best decision, it seems unfair to make a decision about someone else's body. She wanted a plain one and we give her this. I hope someday she'll understand.

Iowa Trip Part 1.

We rode the Boone train and visited the Reiman Butterfly Garden in Ames.

Birthday Girl!

I guess "five" doesn't necessarily mean mature.

One of Froggy's best buds The Beeman.

It's Great-grandma B.'s birthday too!

Our little Frog turned five today. We had a small birthday dinner with family and a couple friends. She designed her own cake, as you can see. It's a giraffe in a row boat. That's what she wanted, a giraffe rowing a boat.

Froggy had a great day and said that this was one of the best days of her life. That is music to this mama's ears. I can't believe my baby is five.