Thursday, September 30, 2010

Where I go.

"You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger." -the Buddha.

This quote hit me like a ton of proverbial bricks. I have been angry. I am angry. And it doesn't matter if I have a 'right' or am justified in my anger. It is all encompassing, it consumes my thoughts, it paints grey on the canvas of my day. It is ugly.

When Froggy and I are alone, I feel like myself again. I'm happy and joyful, motivated by love. I am me, content, silly, and self-sufficient, a little tired... okay alot tired, but at the end of the day we read stories in bed and snuggle and there is absolutely no place I would rather be. It is bliss.

After she falls asleep (and I do dishes, sweep, take out the garbage, let out the dog, boil nebs), I light candles, listen to music, read and write. I actually like being alone, more than I thought I ever would. There are no dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor, tv/radio blaring, life is just ahhhh.

Normally, I am one to fill in the silences, to add words to the spaces, to cover the white with color. Silence and alone have always scared me, but now, now it is a blank page, a tale waiting to be written. And I am patient to put down the words. The story is unfolding, but quietly, in the pauses of life, the moment where we take a breath and imagine what will happen next.

This is where I need to be. I know people jump from divorce to dating, but I have no desire. I am in love with Froggy. My focus, my love, my heart is with her. And nothing could make me happier.

Anger is not healthy. But it is here. It is disappointment, frustration, sorrow, worry, sadness, loss, hurt and betrayal. My anger is 10 years of work, of showing up, of being there 100 percent and being met with apathy. It isn't fair. And I realize life isn't fair, but I'm not okay with it. I don't understand, because I always thought that if gave everything, and believed hard enough, life would work out. I thought we were in it together. But we weren't. One day I was under water and my oxygen tank failed, and I swam and scrambled and drowned but finally made it to the surface. And here I am. Angry that it didn't turn out the way I'd wanted, but alive, still floating in this beautiful sea of life, looking up towards the sun and waiting for the wind, to push me in the direction I am supposed to go.


Beverly said...

I am in awe of your writing. I cannot imagine the disappointment that you must feel in your failed marriage. I hope you keep writing and get your feelings out. Please know that I keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you live every day with your precious Froggy.

Casey said...

As always, you take my feelings and thoughts and spin them into beautiful words. I, too, have gotten to the point where the "alone" isn't scary. It's perfectly fine and I enjoy it. After the tuck my babies into bed, the silence is like a gift. I'm not waiting - or wondering. I just am.

And my time with just the kids? Love it! I no longer have the expectation of someone there to help me get through the days. I can do it - I like to do it and I love being with my kids. (Don't get me wrong - I love that D came to my rescue yesterday when I was sicker than a dog.....but I don't expect it anymore. And therefore, I'm not disappointed when it doesn't happen. Instead, I am surprised when it does.).

I still have moments of anger for all I put in and didn't get back but I am finding there is great joy and peace in what I have - even if there is fear of the "how will I make this all work for them". In the quiet moments, I am at peace.

ezrider67 said...

You said it...perfectly, honestly and beautifully written.

The DutchMac Tribe said...

There are times when I can imagine the alone-ness could be quite magical. Not with all the awful baggage that can come with it (the hurt, the anger, the disappointment), but the serenity of knowing there's nothing else to disrupt you just being you.

Stay strong, mama, and keep finding the simple joys in this new chapter of your life. You have more arms hugging you than you know!


Rach said...

I love you, and so very happy to call you my friend. What a beautifully honest post.