Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Good times

It's 4:30am. This has been our week:

FD worked 12/hour shifts everyday for over a week.

FD got the flu.

FD's car broke down on the freeway.

FD's phone broke.

Someone stole my ATM information and drained my checking and savings account. So the first real paycheck we've had in over 3.5 years was stolen.

Froggy and I stood in line for over 3 hours for the H1N1 vaccine.

I wake up at 6:30am with the Frog and work every second til I drop asleep at night. It feels impossible and hopeless. There are always dishes in the sink and laundry piled over the hamper.
Tonight was one of those nights I'd like expunged from my record as a human being. I ranted, I complained, I yelled, I cried, I blamed. At a time where I need love the most, I am the most unlovable. I would run away from me if I could. I would roll my eyes and head for the door.

There is a breaking point. There is.

I'm sick of being a charity case. I'm sick of needing help. I'm sick of horrible things happening to our family. I'm sick of thinking things have to get better and being disappointed when they don't. I'm sick of things getting worse and worse and worse. I am in the bell jar.

And tomorrow I have to get up (It's now 5am, I guess I am up) and smile and make up for the jerk parent, the jerk person I was last night. And I have to walk through my day feeling the guilt of breaking down, of being angry at so many things.

It seems like we're always in reach of a better life, but the second we try to grab it, it disappears. And the thing I want more than anything is for someone to understand, truly understand what this feels like, to walk through this muck with me, to tell me that big lie that everyone needs to hear, "Everything will be okay." Of course it won't. Life is constantly in flux and more horrible things will happen, but for some reason I'd settle for that big lie right now.

8 comments:

lasankey said...

While our issues issues are nowhere near what you've had to deal with, I too have at times wanted to run away from myself and away from my troubles. Sometimes it's good to have a good rage, good cry, a temper tantrum in my case to get those feelings out.

You're in my thoughts. Things have just gotta get better. You're a wonderful mommy, wonderful person and you deserve some good things to happen in your life. Ratatosk

Angela said...

How much can one person be expected to take? This just seems so unfair. Hang in there, good things HAVE to be around the corner!!

ferfischer said...

I'm thinking of you. You eat an elephant one bite at a time - my fave phrase lately.

PicklePits said...

Turn your cheek to the sun. Good times WILL come. Believe that even on the cloudiest of days. You are not alone FM. I love you.
-DSMCFMAMA

Anonymous said...

you are not a charity case. you are a vibrant young fantastic mom and writer who has a big hill to climb every day. and you sure get that work out! i say - cry and scream all you want. HUGS!!!!! jcn

iColossus said...

FM, I know it's hard. But look at what IS going well in your life. Your daughter...the light of your life, is healthy! Happy! Beautiful! Flourishing and loving her preschool.
Cars, checking accounts, cell phones are all luxuries...they aren't necessary, not really.
You have love in your life, and that's the most important thing! Big hugs!

Anonymous said...

You are an amazingly talented and strong woman. You will get through this. You have put in an enormous effort to move through this, and your determination will pay off.

You have every right to be angry and complain; the people who love you will never hold it against you.

I know it seems trite to say, but it is darkest before the dawn.

I know, because it happened to us.

There we were, both unemployed, renovating a house ( a dump we bought for $26,000) in the middle of the prairies (the bottom of the local real estate market had just dropped out), not a job to be had in the recession of the mid '90s.

I was unemployed first, then Pierre. It took him 18 months to find a job -- when he did, we had come to the end of our rope financially. I really don't know what would have happened the next month.

And a year after we moved, when I had finally, after 2 1/2 years, found a job (but hadn't started work yet), I was diagnosed with cancer. I faced major surgery (where half my insides were taken out), chemo, another big move, another loss of our support system and the doctors I trusted...

I was lucky, and survived my cancer.

I did well at work (when I finally got there), made new friends. It took a few years to rebuild financially, but we did. We had two wonderful children, who are the best things to ever happen to us.

People eventually *do* catch a break if they have been working hard. Your break may not come as soon as you want it to, but just keep fighting, keep holding on, because it *will* come.



monika

Jen said...

When mom was diagnosed with cancer, I didn't know if I would be able to handle it, but I did. I spent the last three months of her life taking care of her. It was one thing after another, I didn't know if I was going to ever survive it. I did, with help from all of my friends. Don't be afraid to lean on your friends, they're your most important resource.

You are not a charity case. You are a mom trying to get things done for a daughter who you are trying to keep healthy. I would do the same thing if I were in your position. In fact, I screamed at a few people when mom was sick, even God. Don't forget He is out there, you can pray to Him whenever you need. LOL