Thursday, October 01, 2009

Back to basics

It's been two weeks.

I'm physically exhausted and my night-owl existence has taken a major blow. Those hours of writing, reading, cleaning til the wee hours of the morning are no more. I hit the sheets around 9 or 10 these days and awake with the Frog at the crack of dawn. We are adjusting --meds, treatments, preschool, cleaning, dogs, cats, pharmacies, parks, walks, laundry. FD has been consistently here --taking Froggy for the day, being a good Daddy.


Physical exhaustion is nothing compared to emotional exhaustion, and because of that fact, a great weight has been lifted. I've been trying for so long to push a square peg through a round hole and finally realized that I'm a crazy person for thinking I had the power to change the shape of things.

I'm a pretty low maintenance person. I need love, someone to hug me when the world is too much, do some dishes now and then, and be there in the present, facing life head-on. I've never needed fancy -- happy with a Motel 6 vacation, old jeans and a good hike. In some ways I've requested too little, set the bar so low, that now even the basics seem extravagant. And maybe in a 'normal' situation, that would have been good enough. Maybe I could have trudged through life without needing reciprocal support. But this life is too much for me. As wonderful as my friends are, I need a partner.

This separation is a good thing. It is either the beginning of a new life, or the ending of an old one. At this point I have no idea. For now we are in a content limbo where Froggy is loved and anything is possible. I have hope, not in the belief that things will magically resolve themselves, but with hard work and devotion we can fight for our family. I wish I could write the ending, wish I had the power to predict the future. But I don't.

Tonight Froggy is spending the night with her Daddy at her Aunt's house and it's tough facing the quiet. I will go to sleep tonight for the first time without my Froggy. What a strange world this is.

9 comments:

DutchMac said...

Love, hugs, support .... it's all comin' your way in buckets. Although we can't fill the partner role you need, your friends can (and will, to the best of our abilities) help you pick up all the other pieces. Stay true.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Beverly said...

Thinking of you as you work through all this.

Mimi said...

Thinking of you....been there done that....my children were 3 & 6 when my husband decided he wanted some one new.....let me tell you my very first weekend with out the kids just about killed me.....but you will get through this and in time you will look forward for your weekends if to just sit on the couch and do nothing.....hang in there it will get better in time...trust me......

Angela said...

Thinking about you!

Tara said...

Separation or not, CF or not, spending the first night without your baby is hard. I know Froggy's not a "baby" but I still call my 5 year old twins my babies.

You can try to use the time to do things that you can't when Froggy is there. I usually sort through the kids' toys and do lots of shopping, even browsing is something I don't get the luxury of doing with the twins in tow.

Good luck. Your whole family is in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

i'm soooo sorry you are going through this. may the time you do have away from froggy be filled with more fabulous writing and bonding time with your friends. hugs - jcn

iColossus said...

FM, sending you big hugs your way. Bub misses his Froggy too. Playdate next weekend?

Infidel Rooster said...

This seems lame in light of things, but I'm wishing you all the best and getting through to the other side, whatever that may be.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you, keeping my fingers crossed that good things are coming your way. This is a difficult period, but hopefully it will allow for good things to take root and flourish. You deserve so many more good things than you have asked for!

All the best,

monika