It's been two weeks.
I'm physically exhausted and my night-owl existence has taken a major blow. Those hours of writing, reading, cleaning til the wee hours of the morning are no more. I hit the sheets around 9 or 10 these days and awake with the Frog at the crack of dawn. We are adjusting --meds, treatments, preschool, cleaning, dogs, cats, pharmacies, parks, walks, laundry. FD has been consistently here --taking Froggy for the day, being a good Daddy.
Physical exhaustion is nothing compared to emotional exhaustion, and because of that fact, a great weight has been lifted. I've been trying for so long to push a square peg through a round hole and finally realized that I'm a crazy person for thinking I had the power to change the shape of things.
I'm a pretty low maintenance person. I need love, someone to hug me when the world is too much, do some dishes now and then, and be there in the present, facing life head-on. I've never needed fancy -- happy with a Motel 6 vacation, old jeans and a good hike. In some ways I've requested too little, set the bar so low, that now even the basics seem extravagant. And maybe in a 'normal' situation, that would have been good enough. Maybe I could have trudged through life without needing reciprocal support. But this life is too much for me. As wonderful as my friends are, I need a partner.
This separation is a good thing. It is either the beginning of a new life, or the ending of an old one. At this point I have no idea. For now we are in a content limbo where Froggy is loved and anything is possible. I have hope, not in the belief that things will magically resolve themselves, but with hard work and devotion we can fight for our family. I wish I could write the ending, wish I had the power to predict the future. But I don't.
Tonight Froggy is spending the night with her Daddy at her Aunt's house and it's tough facing the quiet. I will go to sleep tonight for the first time without my Froggy. What a strange world this is.