Friday, March 21, 2008

I need a break

I need a break. I need a break. I need a break. I need a break. I need a break. I need a break. I need a break. I need a break. I need a break. I need a break. I need a break.

I just don't think I can do this anymore. I'm responsible for our family's financial well-being, making sure the meds, doc appts are in order, bills are paid, the house is clean, groceries stocked, cooking done, fundraising, our taxes, every detail of our lives, the things that keep us afloat are handled. And I'm just exhausted. I am so exhausted. I haven't had a real break in two years. I just want a couple hours where there isn't major stress, where no one is sick, or having seizures or freaking out, where there is just peace. I just need a moment of peace. And even when FD and I get out to a movie or dinner, my mind is still on Froggy. The worry never leaves me. It's like I'm constantly preparing for disaster, imagining in my mind how to escape the earthquake, the fire, the nuclear fallout.

The last couple weeks have been more than I can bear. On top of all the stress, Froggy isn't going to bed til 10 or 10:30, so I have no time to myself, not a moment to recuperate, to remind myself that it's worth it, that someday life will get easier. Honestly it feels like there is no end in sight. I'm starting to have panic attacks, and night terrors, and it's my body telling me I need to slow down. But what do I give up? Sleep? Cleaning? Cooking? Working? Taking care of a toddler with CF? Do I let the meds slip, the doc appts? There is so much responsibility, I feel like I can't breathe. And there's nothing I can do about it. This is my life right now, and I need to accept it.

Tonight, I tried for 2.5 hours to get Froggy to go to sleep but she is wired. No amount of rocking, holding, begging, pleading could get those little eyes to shut. We had a bath, a wind down, we read stories and I rocked her. I sang, I hummed, I shushed. And it's like she wolfed down a pound of chocolate covered espresso beans before bed. Instead of sleeping, while mommy had her emotional break down, she watched me sob and said, "don't worry mommy." So on top of everything, I have the guilt of knowing that Froggy is 'sharing' in the responsibility of my parental stress. Great, I just bought her a few hundred hours of therapy.


I'm sure tomorrow will be better. But tonight, life sucks. It just sucks. And Froggy is now jumping on the chair while eating cat food. I think this qualifies me for the worst parent of the year award. Oh well...

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi FM,
You are not the worst parent ever. I have learned so much from reading about you and your family. I wish I had words to make you feel better. All I can say is hang in there. You are a great mom and Froggy is a loved, well cared for little girl. Her pictures say it all.

Take care of yourself.

KHJ

kristal said...

Hugs!!!

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Sometimes parenting and dealing with the mechanics of life can be overwhelming, but you are doing a great job.

xoxo

Mieke said...

I love you!

Ups and downs, ebbs and flows, sometimes we feel as if we're drowning in a dark sea and other times we harness the waves of that sea and surf into shore with a squeal of joy.

Beverly said...

Oh, my dear, I am so sorry that life is so daily for you right now. You do indeed need some time for yourself.

I heard an expression once that said, "If you don't come apart and rest awhile, you will surely come apart."

Is there no one who can give you some respite? You are in my prayers. FroggyMama

Angela said...

You do need a break - just reading your post made me exhausted and stressed out! You have all the craziness/stress associated with motherhood, then multiplied by 10 because you are dealing with the anxieties of the CF! I know what you mean by the constant worry, even when you do have a babysitter, it's not a true escape because all the anxieties in your head follow you wherever you go... I wish I had some words of wisdom or could help in some way. All I can say is I don't blame you for feeling overwhelmed, I don't think I would be handling all of that as well as you do! I hope things get less sucky soon! (We're having a pretty crappy month as well, complete with panic attacks and nervous breakdowns, maybe we can get our kids into group therapy together and save some $$$?)

Musing said...

Hello,

I couldn't find an email address so I hope you don't mind me asking here.

But, I'd like to quote/link you on Blogtations (it's sort of like BrainyQuote, only all the sayings are by bloggers).

I'd like to post your "I need a break. I need a break. I need a break..." (which I can totally relate to at the moment!)

Let me know if it's okay. My email address is on my blog (on the about page).

Anonymous said...

Honey bear, I went through something similar in December. With my crazy schedule and taking care of everything (thus is the plight of the female), I broke down and started going to therapy. Bottom line is this, you NEED to take time for yourself. Even if it means an hour a week to clear your mind, meditate, take in the view of the ocean, whatever. For your own well being, don't forget to take care of you too. Know you are not alone in this crazy thing we've embarked on called parenthood.
Lindey