Sunday, November 23, 2008

I don’t want to say

I could have done more
I could have been more
than just this.

on my last day
will they ask

why didn’t she
why couldn’t she just

have lived in
the moment

what was she waiting for

for…this?
I don’t want to hear
those words

I told you so.

by Froggymama

I've been feeling like we're on the verge of something. Ya know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you're standing on a mountain cliff, or ocean's edge and everything feels fragile and lost, like the slightest breeze could just...poof... you over. I don't know what it is, but there is something in the air that is troubling. I'm not depressed, just getting prepared, for whatever it is.

Since Froggy was diagnosed I've been in a constant state of shock, acceptance, denial, panic, all of the above. Maybe I'm settling in. I don't know. But the last few days I've stopped and really taken into account what matters, the people I love. And tonight, when Froggy fell asleep in my arms I looked at FD and said, "We are the luckiest two people in the world. No one else has a Froggy." Maybe this is just becoming real. Finally, after three years, I've started to accept our lives.

3 comments:

Beverly said...

I think you've come to a good place, FroggyMama. I remember early on that David said, after they got over the shock of Ella's diagnosis, that they were concentrating on Ella, not the CF. Not that it isn't there, rearing its ugly head all the time, but each day is so precious.

I hope you have a good Thanksgiving with your family there in California.

Anonymous said...

:) Sometimes I just look in awe at Max and remark to my husband, "How did we get to be so lucky?" He may have CF, but he's sooo much more and brings such joy to our lives. He has us laughing constantly with his imagination and views on life.

Oh, and he's 5 1/2 and STILL the rabblerouser in both gymnastics and preschool. While it's embarrassing at times and I also had to remove him from gymnastics early once -- I believe his self confidence and leadership abilities are going to serve him well when dealing with issues in the future related to his cf.

Keep up the good work!

Liza aka Ratatosk from the CF boards

Angela said...

Sending big hugs your way. :)