Monday, June 16, 2008

Gimme Gimme Gimme, I need, I need...

I know every mother feels at one time or another that she is losing her mind...Well I'm there.

Since we returned from Iowa, Froggy has had a constant cold virus. I think she actually started recovering from one, when she picked up another. Then came pinkeye. And in the midst of the major mucus, she's been constipated, gassy, and spends sometimes four hours a day "trying" to poop. She can't leave my side, so I sit there for four hours holding her hand while she says, "my tummy hurts." The second she has a bowel movement, she's her cheerful, happy self. I've talked to our nutritionist several times, and we've increased her laxative, but somedays are still miserable.

And we have definitely hit the terrible-two's. Everything is a battle. For instance...


"Noooo, I don't like that shirt. Not THAT one, NOOOOOO!," screaming like her shirt is made of fire, rather than cotton.

"No vest Mommy! Nooooo! I don't LIKE vest. No treatment. No."


Froggymama: Are you hungry?
Froggy: No.
Froggymama: How about a Cheerio. One Cheerio. Just one.
Froggy: I don't like Cheerios. No. No. No.

From giving meds, to brushing teeth, putting on clothes, getting in the bath, getting out of the bath, reading a story, going for a walk, every detail of our life has become a battle. And I'm losing big time. I dread every moment and want to crawl into a cave and hibernate until she's four.

Last night we skipped her respiratory treatment because of her stomach pain. It was a tough call, but by the end of the day, we just couldn't "do" one more thing to her. So this morning it was extremely important that we complete her vest, albuterol and pulmozyme. But noooooo... she made her body stiff as a board, screamed, tore at her mask, and I could not physically hold her. Toddlers have an amazing ability to squirm out of any situation. It's like when evolving, they developed this ability to escape the grasp of a boa constrictor, or vulcan grip. Now, it's to escape amoxicilin, or eyedrops.

While trying to hold Froggy down for treatment, I lost it and really yelled at her. It was a major low point in Froggymama history. It was an angry, loud and frustrated yell, with a big expletive... and I feel terrible. I walked away, we didn't finish pulmozyme, and she completed her vest while I stood in the kitchen trying to catch my breath and calm down. Afterwards, I put her in bed with a milk, and she was so incredibly sweet and loving and of course that added to my mean-mommy-guilt.

And this stress is affecting FD and I and how we communicate and co-exist. He's frustrated and worried about school and I'm frustrated about getting my work done, and keeping Froggy healthy. So we take it all out on eachother.


I'm having a difficult time digesting our lives, if that makes sense. On one hand I'm appreciative of what we have, our wonderful family, friends. We don't live in a war zone, we're not starving, we have access (although it's frustratingly hard to actually get it) to amazing healthcare, we have a bright, kind, adorable child... we are so incredibly lucky. And on the other hand, I'm jealous of people who have healthy kids and don't have a daily financial strain. I miss my family. I'm exhausted and stressed out, overworked, and lately...just sad.

One of my favorite movies is "What About Bob," with Bill Murray. There's one point when he's trying to convince his therapist who is on vacation to see him anyway. He has the most pathetic look on his face and says, "Gimme, gimme, gimme, I need, I need..." It just says it all, because he never really says what it is he needs. It's just something, and without that something, it feels like madness.

16 comments:

Casey said...

Hug hug hug hug!!! I am so sorry - you sound completely spent and at the end of your rope. I have moments/days like that and I don't have to deal with even a quarter of all you do. I can only imagine how it can build up and take a toll.

I wish I was closer - I'd be there in a heartbeat to help with whatever I could.

Ratatosk said...

Ugh! I feel your pain! Max didn't get his vest until he was 2 1/2, but he'd act similarly during CPT. I'd practically stand on my head trying to entertain him. He'd cry, I'd cry. And when we finally got his vest I'd have to wrestle him into it and he'd thrash about --- tell me that he HATED vesty.

I felt (sometimes still feel), like a terrible parent and was often tempted to run away from home or run out the door screaming. I was once driving a few miles out of town to the vet clinic and just thought during a moment of madness that I could just keep driving down the freeway.

As for eating... I just have a tough time wrapping my head around the idea that a relative of ours could care less about food. I swear he's an alien at times 'cuz who in their right mind would turn down cookies, cake, french fries....

Our saving grace was a video gaming system last year. Kept his mind occupied to the point that he ASKED to do vest treatments more often.

I wish I had some advice. Just know that you're not alone.

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Froggymama said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Beverly said...

Oh, my, I wish I knew what to say. I know those days are probably coming. Maybe she'll have a short course of terrible twos.

DutchMac said...

I am soooooooo with you on the tantrums! No kidding, the ones we're experiencing have sent us to seek professional help (parenting, not psychiatric ..... yet). I won't pretend to know how you feel with the health aspects on top of things, but strictly from a Mom-and-Terrible-Tyrant-Toddler perspective, I feel your pain, Mama!

And don't beat yourself up for exploding. I think I could beat you to the Worst Mother of the Year award pretty easily. You know you must be awful when your child looks at you and says 'I want to shout at Mommy and then Mommy cry too'. Guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt.......

XOXOXOXOXO from your partner in parenting pain!

sixtytwodays said...

Oh, this was hard to read. It's so vividly written, and although I literally LIVE this EVERY. DAY. with my own terrible-two year old, it hurt to feel your pain.

I had to walk away from the computer during the paragraph about not finishing the Pulmozyme and leaving her to finish the vest alone...my Lord how many times have I been there.

And begging her to take just a few bites. Yeah, I'm there with you two. The pressure to gain weight is SO huge. And, I feel helpless, because she JUST won't eat.

We have the constant battles, all day, every day. It's been this way s\ince she was 18 months old. Luckily, Emily rarely resists vest or nebs, now (she used to). But, if I pick the wrong shirt, or the wrong cup, or if I do something that she thinks she should do "all by myself" she screams like no child has ever screamed before. Honestly. The red face, the blue lips, the shaking, the balled fists…it is a scary sight when she gets angry. I keep waiting for a tiny green “Hulk” to emerge from one of her fits.

I have been told a thousand times by my mother, by the NP at the clinic, by mommy-friends, by adult cf'ers that this spunk and fight is good. It's what will get her through. It will make her a survivor. And, they're probably right. But, I worry. What if it never goes away?

*sigh*

It's so hard some days. And, DH and I have different approaches, so I hear you about the stress. And the lack of communication.

I have no advice. But, I wanted to let you know that you are so very not alone. And, to thank you for posting this. It helps, even if it hurts, to hear it in someone else’s words!

Tami
mom to Emily,

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