Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Watching TV and Other Things I Promised I'd Never Let My Kid Do!

(Disclaimer - Baby in photo may appear closer to tv than actual distance.)

I have a confession. Before I was a mom, I used to judge other moms. At the grocery store when a 2 year old screamed "GIVE ME MY CANDY!" I quietly thought to myself, "I'll give you some candy kid!!!"

Before I was a mom, when I saw a toddler with a pacifier, I thought, "another parent who can't say 'no'." Now, my toddler actually carries two pacifiers around the house, alternating them, stacking them on toys, and caring for the little faux nipples like they are mini friends, capable of conversation and feelings. When I try to hide the pacifiers in my purse or table, she will search, climb and destroy to get what she wants. Pacifiers are her baby heroin, and I dread the day we have the intervention, and admit Froggy to the Malibu nuk rehab clinic.

Before I had a child, when parents brought their restless kids to a restaurant, I would give them that look only people without kids give parents, it's the "uh, next time, order in," look.

Before I had a baby, I thought co-sleeping was just an excuse to avoid sex with your spouse. Now, I know it is. (just kidding.)

Before my child was born, when my friends felt guilty about going to a movie, or to dinner, I thought they were letting their children run their lives. Today I felt guilty about leaving Froggy with her dad while getting the car washed. Realistically, I know she's having a great time with her dad, but my psycho-mama brain says, "What if there's an earthquake and you can't get to her, or Daddy forgets to give her the iron and zinc at exactly 2:30pm, or Daddy falls asleep and Froggy figures out the safety latches on the cleaning supplies cupboard, and how to simultaneously push down on the bleach bottle top, while turning, and I come home to clean floors, but total anarchy!"

I never thought I would actually enjoy talking about strollers, sippy cups and bedtimes. Now, it's more fun than politics, and no one gets hurt.

Before Froggy was born and my mommy friends couldn't do something because it interfered with nap time, I thought they were a little cuckoo, and catering to their kids "schedules". Now, I understand that nap time is LAW. I would walk through fire, drink molten lava, donate a kidney to assure Froggy gets her nap at exactly the time she needs it. As a mom, I've learned that the window for nap time is so small, limited, fleeting and if you miss it, even a copacetic baby transforms into a monster-Chucky-doll-baby capable of high-pitched tantrums, bizarro body flailings, hunger strikes, and a household under baby sleep deprivation siege!

Phrases like, "use your indoor voice," or "use your words" or "play nice" used to drive me nuts. Okay they still do. If I ever say that, you have permission to call me a yuppie, slap my face and say, "Snap out of it!"

And before I had Froggy, I thought moms were pretty sappy, crying at any commercial with a baby, sobbing during the retelling of their baby's birth, finding every smile, laugh, sniffle, pout, toot, and gesture from their child as the most beautiful, fulfilling, and miraculous moment ever experienced on earth. I thought they were nuts. And I will never judge another mommy again. Because I am now the queen, the president, the reigning nutso mama, capable of anything I once promised I would never do.


Anonymous said...

Great photos, great commentary. You always make me laugh but this time especially. I belive there is always justice for parents if they're patient enough to wait for it.
Love you so much, gpg

Anonymous said...

I stumbled on that by accident and it really made me laugh. I feel the exact same way. All true. In my case, before I had kids I also said - I will never have my own kids and only adopt, and only two. Now I have two, 18 months apart, and am waiting to have a third. And the reason I got to your blog was because I looked up Baby TV on google. Another thing I always said I would never do.

Casey said...

I hear ya! Before kids I had all the answers on how to raise them properly. Now I have two kids and no answers. Ironic.

Just wait though - I have a feeling before too many more months go by you will indeed be saying "Use your inside voice." "Play nicely." and "Use your words - don't just whine at me." I think those phrases are said at least a dozen times around here on any given day. :)

Mieke said...

Hmmmmm. I wonder who you were judging all those years? Hmmmm? But I got my revenge!!! MWAHHHHH!

Froggymama said...

Gpg - yes justice must be sweet. Just wait til I start saying things like, "not under my roof," or "I'll give you something to cry about." Then the circle of life will be complete!

Anonymous - welcome.

Casey - I'm sure I will utter those phrases, but for now I'll pretend like I'm way too cool. :)

Mieke - You were actually a great mama to look up to. No pacifiers, strict nap times. I now know how important these boundaries are. And now I understand why everytime you opened that album of Pony's birth, you sobbed. I can't even look at the negatives of Froggy's first breath without tearing up.

Anonymous said...

hilarious...and ditto ditto...ditto jcn

Anonymous said...

me too!!!

this post had me alternating laughs and tears; you are soooo good! thank you again for your beautiful words (i always feel rewarded when i pop in for a visit).

(but hey! pacifiers are a GOOD thing; they have been linked to preventing SIDS - guilt-free enjoyment for both mother and child)

Auntarctica said...

This posting made me laugh so hard I snorted wine out my nose. I'm just glad you realize all the "i will never..." that you now do. As a non-mom I will continue to blissfully imagine all the things I will never let my kids do--so please don't ruin it! Love you!