Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Ebb and Flow

A good friend once told me that when one part of your life goes right, inevitably another part falls apart.

Froggy's seizures are back. FD and I noticed that every once in while, her eyes lose control and roll back in her head. It started this week. We both wanted to believe that it wasn't happening again. But it is.

Today, it took me three hours to put Froggy down for her nap. Whenever she was on the verge of sleep, her eyes would roll back, and she'd instantly awaken, pumped up and ready to keep fighting.

I was exhausted and angry that on top of CF, we have to deal with Epilepsy. It's so unfair, I could punch someone. Speaking of punching someone... In the middle of trying to put Froggy down, I heard a knock at the door. Buddy started barking wildly, and I was instantly annoyed, thinking, "It better be UPS with her Pulmozyme!"

I opened the screen, while our attack Pomeranian howled, to find two polite little Mormon girls with their nametags, and skirts. I said, "I'm sorry, my baby is sleeping," and closed the door on their sweet little faces. It could not have been more ironic. The last three hours I was blaming God for Froggy's seizures, saying, "Pick on somebody your own size!," and then these two angelic kids show up at my door. Had I really embraced my bitter self, I would have invited them in for tea and told them to go to college before settling down and popping out 10 kids.

They were the most innocent and adorable girls and I still wanted to smack them silly for bothering me in the midst of my mental breakdown. I mean honestly, what could two eighteen year old girls teach me about life? What pearls of wisdom have they stored up in highschool that I haven't learned in LA, in college, in motherhood? I'm sure their hearts are in the right place, but it's a little condescending when a couple of teenagers knock on my door interrupting my life to teach me about the meaning of life. I mean, geez, I'm too busy living to comprehend the meaning of it all! Maybe they should start sending people in their 30's or 40's, because we could at the very least chat about wrinkles and sleep deprivation, let alone God and the meaning of life!

Three hours later, Froggy succumbed to sleep, and "Hummingbird's" mama came over to babysit. Today was the day we recorded our radio show, "Motherhood Unplugged" on KPFK, and I had a long drive to the valley.

The recording was wonderful, but I was totally humbled by the other writers. The segment is an hour-long program about motherhood, told through story and song. The other women who spoke were all famous storytellers, musicians, comedians, and authors. I truly felt that my essay paled in comparison to the others, but the host, Amy Simon said that I had a great voice for radio and totally bolstered my ego. After hearing the other mamas read, it was, like I said, humbling and wonderful to share this experience.

The airtime has changed. It is now July 19th at 7am (Pacific time). It's not a great airtime, but this is a brand new segment and we'll need to prove our worth. Which means, you all have to listen, then call the station and say that this is the BEST show you've ever heard!!!

I listen to KPFK all the time and I can honestly say that this is a great show!

And tonight, while feeling the excitement of "Motherhood Unplugged", I was again humbled. These moms may not have knocked on my door to enlighten me about the world, but I was moved by their honest and heartfelt experiences.

Tomorrow, I'll call the neurologist and hopefully we'll figure out a new med dose to control her seizures. Tonight, while rocking Froggy to sleep, I said a silent prayer, "Please just let her be okay, I'll give anything." And I would.

As a single, young woman I would have done almost anything for success, and now, I would do anything to keep my daughter healthy. Everything else is just fluff. And maybe I sound like a jerk, but when someone can knock on my door and tell me why our Froggy was given CF and Epilepsy, I'll answer. Until then, we're too busy living to talk about why we're...living.


Angela said...

I'm so sorry that the seizures are back - and I don't blame you for getting annoyed at the mormon girls. What rotten timing. When they come knocking on our door, I always explain to them that I'm Catholic and my husband is Jewish so we have enough relgious drama in our house, and that usually scares them off. :)
I'm glad the reading went well though, I hope I can hear it online, sounds like a great program!
Hope Froggy is doing better.

Ratatosk said...

So sorry about the seizures. Hopefully her doctor will find a good drug combo for her.

I'm always of the mindset that if I let my guard down, that the other shoe will drop in terms of our son's health.

And my neighbor and/or inlaws seem to have the uncanny ability of showing up in the midst of chaos --usually involves our son vomiting all over the place, yelling, trying to keep the dog from lapping it up... :)

Casey said...

Big hugs to you.

I am so sorry for all of this - you and Froggy should be running wild in parks and at playgroups and enjoying all that life has to give. You should not have to worry about yet another medical thing. It's not fair and I am stomping my feet in protest for you.

Please keep us posted.

Anonymous said...

I don't think I ever knew the epilepsy part before. My goodness, that just is not fair at all!

I hope that you have an answer about med doseage soon. Like Liza, I'm always waiting for the next big thing, too. And, especially at a time like this, when it feels like things have been too good for too long, I start to get jumpy. We had constipation issues yesterday and today and for about an hour today I was convinced there was a blockage that needed to be medically resolved. It didn't. But, I swear the next crisis is lurking, breathing down my neck...

You guys will be in my thoughts.


Anonymous said...

geez...not fair - not right. sorry you are going through this...

i am looking forward to hearing the reading. i'm sure you were awesome. hugs! jcn

Beverly said...

I am sorry, too, for all you are going through right now. I wish there was something that I could do for you. I do keep you in my prayers when I pray for Ella and her parents.