Ebb and Flow

A good friend once told me that when one part of your life goes right, inevitably another part falls apart.

Froggy's seizures are back. FD and I noticed that every once in while, her eyes lose control and roll back in her head. It started this week. We both wanted to believe that it wasn't happening again. But it is.

Today, it took me three hours to put Froggy down for her nap. Whenever she was on the verge of sleep, her eyes would roll back, and she'd instantly awaken, pumped up and ready to keep fighting.

I was exhausted and angry that on top of CF, we have to deal with Epilepsy. It's so unfair, I could punch someone. Speaking of punching someone... In the middle of trying to put Froggy down, I heard a knock at the door. Buddy started barking wildly, and I was instantly annoyed, thinking, "It better be UPS with her Pulmozyme!"

I opened the screen, while our attack Pomeranian howled, to find two polite little Mormon girls with their nametags, and skirts. I said, "I'm sorry, my baby is sleeping," and closed the door on their sweet little faces. It could not have been more ironic. The last three hours I was blaming God for Froggy's seizures, saying, "Pick on somebody your own size!," and then these two angelic kids show up at my door. Had I really embraced my bitter self, I would have invited them in for tea and told them to go to college before settling down and popping out 10 kids.

They were the most innocent and adorable girls and I still wanted to smack them silly for bothering me in the midst of my mental breakdown. I mean honestly, what could two eighteen year old girls teach me about life? What pearls of wisdom have they stored up in highschool that I haven't learned in LA, in college, in motherhood? I'm sure their hearts are in the right place, but it's a little condescending when a couple of teenagers knock on my door interrupting my life to teach me about the meaning of life. I mean, geez, I'm too busy living to comprehend the meaning of it all! Maybe they should start sending people in their 30's or 40's, because we could at the very least chat about wrinkles and sleep deprivation, let alone God and the meaning of life!

Three hours later, Froggy succumbed to sleep, and "Hummingbird's" mama came over to babysit. Today was the day we recorded our radio show, "Motherhood Unplugged" on KPFK, and I had a long drive to the valley.

The recording was wonderful, but I was totally humbled by the other writers. The segment is an hour-long program about motherhood, told through story and song. The other women who spoke were all famous storytellers, musicians, comedians, and authors. I truly felt that my essay paled in comparison to the others, but the host, Amy Simon said that I had a great voice for radio and totally bolstered my ego. After hearing the other mamas read, it was, like I said, humbling and wonderful to share this experience.

The airtime has changed. It is now July 19th at 7am (Pacific time). It's not a great airtime, but this is a brand new segment and we'll need to prove our worth. Which means, you all have to listen, then call the station and say that this is the BEST show you've ever heard!!!

I listen to KPFK all the time and I can honestly say that this is a great show!

And tonight, while feeling the excitement of "Motherhood Unplugged", I was again humbled. These moms may not have knocked on my door to enlighten me about the world, but I was moved by their honest and heartfelt experiences.

Tomorrow, I'll call the neurologist and hopefully we'll figure out a new med dose to control her seizures. Tonight, while rocking Froggy to sleep, I said a silent prayer, "Please just let her be okay, I'll give anything." And I would.

As a single, young woman I would have done almost anything for success, and now, I would do anything to keep my daughter healthy. Everything else is just fluff. And maybe I sound like a jerk, but when someone can knock on my door and tell me why our Froggy was given CF and Epilepsy, I'll answer. Until then, we're too busy living to talk about why we're...living.